Written by Quinn “Bob57” Jones
Why I HATE Illaoi
When I queue up to play League of Legends, there isn’t a single champion I hate to face more than Illaoi. This champ is the worst type of enemy to go against. One who will not only beat you up in lane with her tentacles, but will press R late game and get a pentakill.
(Yes my 0/5 adc, maybe we SHOULDN’T have grouped up, what a good observation!)
Now, let me walk you through my first, traumatic experience playing against Illaoi, and you shall understand the truth I speak.
My first time playing against Illaoi I must’ve been a doey-eyed, naive level 20 player. With my heart full of joy and wonder. I locked in the simple woodswoman Quinn, and set out on my journey to the top lane. With my best friend, and companion Valor by my side. It was there I discovered a monster… a Kraken priestess from the dangerous port city of Bilgewater who would go on to haunt me forever.
On my first death, I was shocked, “Surely…” I wondered, “Surely she is just a strong early game champion?” By my fifth death, as she pulled my spirit under her tower, I was considering a peaceful exit from the rift, a disconnect would surely be the happiest alternative right?
But my friends urged me to keep on playing, “JuSt DodgE HeR E” they would say “MaKe SurE tO kIlL HeR TEnTacLeS!”
Such helpful advice failed to reach me.
But I fought on, and when the teamfight had come, I was ready…
No tentacles would hit me now, my soul wouldn’t be grabbed from 70 metres away. No, I had my trusty crossbow and that was all I needed.
However, in the teamfight all she needed to do was press R, and as more and more tentacles began to spawn the skies darkened and our team despaired. Is it right for this monstrosity to exist? Do the Riot devs understand the horror they have unleashed? Are we but the playpen for God’s undesirable creatures? The rejects tossed away to be broken in the darkness?
From that point on, Illaoi was a perma-ban for me. I flirted for a while with the idea of banning Darius, yet another Illaoi experience sealed my fate.
So, you may be asking, “What does your ineptitude at playing Quinn have to do with this, you are just bad at game no?”
To you folks, I hear you. However, my hatred for her stems from both a visceral, traumatic emotional experience early on in my playing days, as well as a scientific and logical analysis.
We are simple folk in the top lane, Quinn with her Crossbow, simple Mordekaiser with his mace, innocent Darius with his axe and Teemo with his poison darts. Each fight between us is a carefully crafted piece of artwork, dripping with wasted flashes and missed autos. Yet what does Illaoi bring to this fight? While I bring my crossbow to a fight, she brings a God. The God of the serpent Isles, Nagakabouros to be exact. Yes, surely hitting a god with an axe will work right? What about a poison dart 2cm in length?
What a pity….
TENTACLES….. TENTACLES EVERYWHERE
Now, if she just brought a god to a fight, then maybe, maybe I could forgive her, acknowledge the weapon diff and move on. But no, she has to go further.
Her tentacles are the linchpin of her champion, they facilitate her playstyle. And they’re disgusting. Now, you may be the kind of sicko ahem excuse me… a wonderful individual who wouldn’t mind being slapped about by a bunch of tentacles. But I for one feel that she is a disgrace to the top lane and a menace to my mental health.
So having made my case, I turn to you, the players, my Top-lane enthusiasts and I ask one simple question. Why? Why do you play Illaoi? Is it out of a primal desire to kill? A repressed hangup from our neanderthal days which puts violence above sportsmanship, above decency?
Only you Illaoi players can answer these questions…. Only you.